Saturday, January 14, 2006

A Crazy Little Thing Called Love

So I have been home all day reading blogs. I really need to get a life, but I have a slight case of the blues. So it feels good to lounge on my couch with my laptop and an entertaining blog. Today I found a new favorite blog in That Girl Tam. It was just what the doctor ordered for me. This just may be the best non-music or gossip based blog that I have read on the net. Her posts are so real and so easy for me to relate. I really appreciate her honesty. That is what I crave from the universe as of late.

Jubb and I have been beefin' for the last three days. We had a major fight the other night and needless to say my mood has been affected by it ever since. Love is really hard, especially when you haven't had examples of what it's really supposed to look and be like. His parents have been married for over 30 years. I know for a fact that all of those years haven't been happy, but they come from the old school of thought that you make it work for the sake of the family. I, on the other hand, don't have any real examples. My parents were never married and were never able to sustain healthy long term relationships. Most of my examples of what a relationship/marriage should be like come from tv and movies. I know I am not by myself. Many women, especially Black women, are trying to achieve that Cliff & Claire Huxtable type of love. But is that shit real? Did we ever see them have a real argument? That shit can definitely lead to a skewed sense of reality and lead to unrealistic expectations. Y'all don't hear me - In real life, making love work for the long haul IS SOME HARD ASS SHIT!

Some days it is really hard to get along with Jubb and that is hard for me because I pride myself on being able to get along with just about anybody, for the most part. Damn it! My line name was Miss Congeniality.Don't get me wrong, he's a great guy! Sometimes he can be really sweet! When the times are good, they are REAL GOOD. I have known him since I was 14 years old. We have been in this relationship for over 5 years. I love him so much, and I know that he loves me, but he is just not the easiest person to get along/live with. That nignog is a moody muthafucka and I have trouble with people like that. Most of the time, his mood swings have nothing to do with me, yet because I am the closest person to him, I get the brunt of them. The problem is, I am a person who needs consistency. It is definitely one of my issues. I didn't have very much of it as a child, so when I don't have it now, I am revisited by those old fucked up feelings. I have known this about him for years, so I don't know why I let it upset me so much and that makes me frustrated with myself. But the problem is, sometimes when he gets into his little moods, that nigga can be plain old mean, and underneath the facade of being confident and having it all together, I am a Sensitive Susie. Sometimes that shit really hurts, which makes me feel like a cream puff and pissed off that the shit basically only happens when it comes to him. I hate being so vulnerable! Damn it, love!

Our major issue is that we just don't communicate well. Things were better when we didn't live with one another. When that nigga would get his period, I would just go to my spot. In most cases, no more than two days would go by, and shit would be all good. But living together is a whole other situation. We became cohabitants this past October, shortly after our engagement. We both work hellacious schedules in stressful environments, so when we get home we are both very tired and stressed. This makes it very difficult to be an effective communicator. Sometimes neither one of us has the energy to truly deal. Did I mention that we have different living habits? He can be downright trifling sometimes, and I refuse to be anyone's fucking maid. You wanna see an unhappy D? Leave dishes and food on the table OVERNIGHT or leave the kitchen or bathrooom dirty. It has gotten to where I don't even say anything about it anymore. My attitude says it all, and I know that's not cool, but I'm tired of talking. I feel like some men complain about women and nagging and shit, but they do the same shit over and over again and expect different results. That shit is lame!

So mix all of this together and you can see why sometimes I wish I still had my own place. 20 minutes ago he walked in with flowers. Guess he picked him up while he was out to get his game snacks (Go Skins!) Of course, he won't apologize with his mouth. I think he bought the flowers so that they could do it for him. I guess that means that he no longer wants to war. I really love this negro! I have never felt this way about anyone in my life. I just want some fucking peace. I really appreciate having this blog to get this mess out. I also appreciate anyone who takes the time to read as I bitch and moan about my love life. I feel a lot better just getting this shit out. I don't talk to anyone about our troubles because I don't want to put bad PR out there when I am not truly clear about how I feel about the situation. That is when well meaning friends and relatives can convince you to do some shit that you may regret later. I learned that lesson already. It's time for premarital counseling any way since we have set a date for the wedding. I remain hopeful!

Got to get ready for the game! I'll be in touch tomorrow.
D- Said It@ :: 4:06 PM :: 3 Said Something About It

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